Lily's diary: I hate myself
by I think i'm drowning
Summary: UPDATED: Lily's thoughts on her life (rather like my life)...Lily hates herself and wants nothing more than to die....but someone is stopping her suicide attempts
1. I think i'm drowning

I don't own harry potter, if I did it would be much different

This is kind of Lily's diary, some of it is based on my thoughts, actually most of it is, but its changed so it fits Lily. Please review and tell me what you think, and if you think (as I continue to write this) that Lily is a stupid suicidal person who needs help, that's me, I don't mind you telling me this, I'm used to it. 

27th December

I know I've said it loads of times but I want to die…seriously…this time I mean it. I hate my life, every single little detail about it, and have done so for as long as I can remember, which is not long (I can never remember anything, in fact I'm rather like a goldfish with a 3 second memory span).  

Every word I say is wrong because I don't have a mind to think properly. I never usually say anything anyway because I can never think of what to say. That is the reason why everyone thinks I'm shy, quiet Lily, but I'm not! I hate being quiet, I wouldn't be quiet if I knew what things to say. I wish I was like Arabella Figg, she's so smart, funny and outgoing. She has loads of friends unlike me who has none.  

I'm just the shadow of what I once was….I used to be like Arabella….hard to believe isn't it? Well I was, back in First Year. That was before……oh crap, why does it keep making me remember, I want to forget, forget it ever happened, forget what James Potter did to me.


	2. Your face haunts my once pleasant dreams

**Beckham7 **- Hey I'm sorry my chapters are so short, I can only write as much as I think, which isn't much , I promise I'll make them longer but I'm shit at keeping promises so what the hell. O and 2 of the stories I've written (I wouldn't really call them stories though, they're only a chapter each) apart from 'How could he love me'(that was my sister's attempt at writing one), well the other 2 stories r based on things that have happened to me but changed slightly (only slightly) to fit with Lily. Thx for reviewing!

Continued…

_That was before……oh crap, why does it keep making me remember, I want to forget, forget it ever happened, forget what James Potter did to me._

Anyway….different subject, must not think of that…..hamsters! I had a hamster once, until Petunia trod on it. I think Joel (wooooo!!! Random name! A bit like my personality, that's a bit random too)(my hamster) was the one who got me through the first 2 years of my pain….dam I'm back to the subject I was trying to avoid. 

Well that thing that I try to avoid has left me broken, I could never be the same again even if I tried. It haunts me every second of every day, I cannot sleep because of it, and that's why I want to end my life…when I'm dead the memory can no longer come to me, I will be free! 

a/n hey look! I actually got something right!- I can't keep promises, this is even shorter than the last one. Well I do keep promises but only ones where the person trusts and relies on me to keep it….coz  I could never break someone's trust


	3. You're so lost in your little worlds, yo...

I guess I should say happy new year…..so…..HAPPY NEW  YEAR!!!! Every1 hu reeveiwed…I luv ya lots and vodka shots!

Hey  guess what? Another fucking year has passed, but I'm still the same Lily who's crap at everything, the same Lily who's bin through enough shit to last a lifetime, but her lifetime isn't over yet. So happy fucking new year to all those too happy to be bloody true people out there and I hope you live longer than I intend to and have fun attempting to prosper in this fucking world.


	4. And you were unchained,Nothing more had ...

a/n Btw…did I tell u that I would not continue my life…LILY'S LIFE if I do not get at least 5 reviews…come on..5 isn't that much

There is just one thing….person….that stops me from ending my life right here, right now……Alex. God I can't help smiling at his name….Alex…. I've known Alex for 11years, we were friends right from the start, mostly because we were in the same position, both our parents were split up and we were abused by our dads. We always hung out with each other, both at the weekends and when we were skiving school. 

We were always there for each other and recently he's been there for me a lot. Helping me….guiding me through difficult times and decisions…..I could never have killed it…that would have just been wrong….

He is the bestest friend you could ever ask for….he is the one who has always been there for me…to stop my many suicide attempts (and murder attempts if you count….), and although he doesn't know it…I love him for it. But I can't tell him, I could never tell him. He has only got eyes for one girl…Frankie…his girlfriend. 

Ending my life now would solve everything. I would die happy tomorrow knowing that I loved Alex…and not knowing that he definitely would not return my love but just knowing he loved me as a friend, rather then living forever with no love at all – him _knowing_ that I loved him but not returning the love. That would be torture.  

_What do u think?? _

_Which is worse??? Dying tomorrow after being with someone you loved, OR, Living forever without being loved??? Makes you think, doesn't it._

_ If you could live your whole life with love, just not with the one you truly loved, or if you could live for 2 hours, and be with the one you truly loved for the entire 2 hours, which would you choose???_

For me I would live for two hours with Alex, but life doesn't give you choices like that…unfortunately.


	5. Cause I sit here locked inside my head, ...

a/n  I do not own Lily or James, but the characters Frankie and Alex belong to Frankie and Alex, and the storyline belongs to me , Alex and Frankie because our life belongs to us. (a bit isn't our life tho)

O crap! Why the hell do terrible things always happen to the ones you love?? Frankie dumped Alex!! I know I should be rejoicing because he's single but I'm not. It tore me apart seeing his heart smashed to smithereens by Francesca. He was madly in love with her, he seriously would have died for her but she only went out with him (for three years might I add) because she felt sorry for him. What really broke him though was the fact that not only did she dump him by owl! but the reason for dumping him was that she couldn't lie to him anymore; she was a lesbian and had known that before they had started going out!

Now I'm the one stopping suicide attempts….its so heartbreaking watching him go through this alone and I wish he would share his pain with me but he's shut everybody out including me. I'm with him every second I am able to, so I can watch over him, rather like a guardian angel…but they don't exist…these terrible things wouldn't happen if they existed….

a/n plz review 


	6. Hi, I’m paranoid, Goodbye, I’m in the vo...

Replies to reviews

**Kitty Minky – **Hey its ok, thx for the advice and ur kl saying thing, but im seriously crap at thinking, let alone thinking positively. Thx anyway and I completely agree wiv u about wot 'no one' sed… theyre seriously uncaring to 'suiciadal ppl', *glares at 'no one'*

**Missprongs**** – errr… thx for not saying anything…I know that everything in life isn't bad, coz I hav my friends…o and sorry I ruined ur fav character…forgive me?**

**Alexandris**** Roses – well fuck u, I'm not asking anyone to pity me, I h8 ppl pitying me, and I only put 'more like my life' so ppl hu wanted to read a fanfic about Lily's 'actual' life would know that it wasn't based on that**

**Karmabelle**** – yeh they r my actual thoughts, I'm gonna redo some of it so it makes hu Alex and Frankie r more clear**

**Bella – **thx for reviewing, I will try making my chapters longer but I cant promise anything…sorry

**Uenki**** – thx for ur review, yeh I will hopefully**

**Evil CornBread – **hehe, I will try, yup I definitely need to describe alex and explain hu he is

**Outoftheordinary**** – james does come into it later…..but its my fic and I can write what I want so the Lily doesn't have to be how she is in the hp books******

**No one – **Fuck u! If u don't like the idea of ppl killing themselves, y the fuck did u read a story where it says 'suicide attempts' in the summry???  And y the hell did u waste ur time reviewing if u thought I was sad??????****


	7. Tidal waves, they rip right through me, ...

Btw in case any of u were wondering, the names of my chapters arent names of chapters just song lyrics

1 – 'I think I'm drowning' – Muse – Time is Running Out

2 – 'Your face haunts my once pleasant dreams' – Evanescance – My Immortal

3 – 'You're so lost in your little worlds, your little worlds you'll never fix' – Staind – Open Your Eyes

4 – 'And you were unchained, nothing more had changed, I could fake it if you still hate me, confiscate me' – Offspring – Vultures

5 – 'I sit locked inside my head, remembering everything you've said, this silence gets us nowhwere' – Staind – For you

6 – 'Hi, I'm paranoid, Goodbye, I'm in the void, haunted by insecurity, bipolar asymmetry' – Papa Roach – Code of Energy

7 – 'Tidal waves, they rip right through me, Tears from eyes worn cold and sad, Pick me up now I need you so bad' – Blink 182 - Down


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